Suicide Awareness month...

I just found out that a cousin of a really good friend of the family committed suicide, I send my condolences to the family and I think about the loss that has been felt by too many friends and family that have lost love ones in a similar way. 

Was 'suicide awareness month' was last month or this month? 

What in the world are we doing? Why do we think that screaming and yelling to the universe through campaigns and videos and causes can make any real difference to the individuals that are struggling at a world that would rather focus all attention on a global pandemic that has had fewer casualties than the flu?Why are so many people trying to gain fame and attention forcing people to 'quarantine' when they are not sick and forcing individuals to suffer more with stay-at-home orders? We have the main stream media incessantly talking about the dire news of innocent business owners losing everything they have to the social inequality experts rioting and looting in the name of justice for criminals. Where is the justice for the innocent victims of crime.  Where is the hope that any person with any ambition can feel like they can go to any type of employment and not have a politician either on a local, state, or federal level tell them that for the sake of others you must suffer. 

We want to mandate everyone to wear a mask to show we support one another while the levels of suicide skyrocket! We hear professional actors from their million dollar estates tell us that we must not work to put food on the table, cool our homes in 110 degree Arizona wether because we might catch a virus that has caused fewer deaths than any estimate ever indicated by those trying to now 'help us' with stimulus bills or not help us enough with politics and pandering. 

This moment is full of uncertainty and fear and the inability for individuals to take control of their own lives with everyone pandering, fear mongering, or virtue signaling as people are so sick and tired of the lies and confusion and officials trying to take control and power that they are killing themselves. 

I wonder how many of us find ourselves in life feeling like this? I know that I find myself feeling overwhelmed quite often with even the most simplest of tasks or situations. I know that everyone can feel depressed from time to time and that this is supposed to be a normal part of everyone's life but I look around and talk to others and even my own family and the emotions of hopelessness and despair don't seem to have the same effect on them as they do on me. 

I don't know why I can't seem to shake the feelings of despair as they take hold and never seem to go away, even the usual pleasures in life and hobbies don't have the appeal nor are able to drive out the sadness. It's like the normal sadness that happens as a result to life's struggles and setbacks are a constant companion and I struggle to see even the possibilities of hope to overcome the struggles and the setbacks are a constant part of any attempt to move forward. The depression doesn't change the way I think, feel or function but feels like a weight that I carry throughout my daily activities. Just getting started with any task is a struggle and almost more overwhelming than the doing the task may be after getting going regardless of the difficulty of the work or ease of the task. Getting through the day is a maze of awful feelings of hopelessness and self depreciation. 

There are times that I feel I am living in a black hole or it's like I am trying to tread water and them more I try to keep my head above water the more my own actions just pull me deeper down. I feel a restlessness to work harder and try harder but the motion results in feelings of desperation as the action is met with no improvement. I get angry with myself when I do not prove profitable in my actions and my attempts to be a productive member of my family or at work let alone the community at large. I try not to compare myself to others but can't shake the feeling of not wanting to be a drain on society and want to be a positive force for good. 

Everything in the media tells me that I am failing and I should be more angry, I'm told I should hate either myself or others for perceived injustices and wrongs either from hundreds of years ago or theories perpetuated still today. Most of this I have no control over nor will my tiny almost imperceptible sphere of influence have any affect on the world at large but my own ability to help myself appears to be in opposition to the well being of others or at least that is what so much of the media is trying to tell me. 

Social media tells me I am not happy enough, I am not wealthy enough, I am either overly privileged or I am doing everything wrong. I don't see any way to win the game of life, every piece of curated, overly photoshopped image and well thought out comment on the images are targeted to get my attention and tell me that if I only have something else, buy something more, or live another life that then I will be happier, I will appreciate better the greater lifestyle, or that I won't be tearing down other people. There are so many messages today screaming at me that my silence is more damaging that if I were to be actively, physically hurting another person. 

I am surrounded by people, my family; and yet I feel alone. I know that there are people that love me and are supportive of me but all I feel is that I am letting them down, I am not doing those things that would show them the appreciation for the love and support let alone am I doing my part to be a positive part of their life. I can't come to terms with the thought that I need to not repeat the past or mistakes I've made but I also shouldn't spend too much time dwelling on the past and brood over the failures of yesterday.

It is a fight every day to not take the easy out and simply continue to put one foot in front of the other thinking that maybe, just maybe those that profess positive success that the formula just might work for me. That maybe if I work hard that I too can feel the feelings of having done a good job, but the world tells me that the more you are a victim you can speak, the more you are oppressed the more rights you could have had and succeeded, and that because I don't fit those categories of minority or oppression that they have set up I really am the loser I feel I am.